15/02/17: Seat-Hogging Oxygen Thieves

Of the multitude of people that anger me on my daily travels, there is but one group that cause a biblical rage with the strength of ages to manifest from the very core of my being. I am, of course, referring to those cretinous collections of particles that leave their bag on the seat next to them, stubbornly refusing to move it until someone causes a scene.

The devil takes numerous forms; these people are one of them.  

Imagine if you will, your typical commuter train. As the stations roll on by, the carriage begins to fill with people. It may shock you to know that with the increase in travellers on the train comes a decrease in the number of seats available. So surely, for those that leave their bag on the seat next to them (something I have no issue with on an empty train), logic would suggest that to maximise the number of people that can get on the train, they would move their bag and allow people to sit down.

But no, they sit,¬†spread and ignore. All the while an arrogance sneaks across their face like some form of viral plague. Apparently they are better than the rest of us. Apparently, they don’t need to follow the rules. Apparently, whatever is in their bag is so damn special that it deserves a seat more than a FELLOW HUMAN does.

The only way I would accept that the bag deserves a seat is if there was indeed an actual human inside the bag. But that too would raise considerable concerns and criticisms from me. Either way buddy, you are still the selfish idiot.

Many people may well say to me that I’m getting angry over nothing, and that by asking them to move their bag it solves the problem. But surely any decent human being wouldn’t think twice about moving their bag for someone else. But that’s the problem isn’t it? Turns out we aren’t all decent human beings.

By having to ask you to move your bag, you have already designated yourself as a full on five-star turd. That’s right, you are truly a top level turd.

Don’t get me wrong, I am always willing to give you a slight slice of benefit of the doubt. I will happily stand in front of you, establish some hardcore eye-contact and make it clear of my intentions.

But know this, if I get to the stage where I’d have to ask you to move your bag, I will not. Instead, I’m going to take a pew, whether your bag is there or not. Failing that, your bag may take a little trip across the carriage, following a flight path of my choosing. If you then wish to play the ‘manners’ card, I think you’ll find that we are in fact all square and equal.

Many would call it harsh. But lessons aren’t learnt without memorable action. Gentle reminders achieve nothing. It’s time for a seat revolution. Would YOU continue to leave your bag on the seat next to you, if the last time you did it ended with either some squashed sandwiches or a projectile bag? No, I think not.

So really, it’s up to you. I am nothing if not fair. I am an advocate of tough love. Tough, educational love.

Go on, leave your bag on the seat, I dare you.


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